did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize