Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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