hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
