Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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