That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
