gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize