can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
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