i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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