well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
