You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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