I hate all girls vehemently.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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