someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
