Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
