I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
