I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
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