I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
