Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
