I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
