mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
