Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
