It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
