Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
