dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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