Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
