So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize