Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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