I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It was a blind-side dick pic.
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