i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize