I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
