Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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