Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
