Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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