I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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