Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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