The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
