I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
