Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
