I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Please don't give away my fajitas
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