drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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