this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
