Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
