i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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