the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
