Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
