I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
