just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
