I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
