I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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