This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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