I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
