someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize