who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
And then he peed in my hair
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