Umm I'm too high to move.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
