textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
