what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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