dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
