That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
