I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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