I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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