Sponge bath it is.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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