i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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