I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My vagina is very pro this idea
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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