i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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